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27.10.2009

I wanna tattoo these digits in my mind.

I don't know why, but I didn't do much. It's not really a memorable day like that, but it means something to me. I haven't been writing much since I haven't been at home. I had so many heavy stones trying to weigh me down to hell, but today I let the thoughts circulate a bit more than normally, and finally tried to let go of everything. Someone very close to me been asking me why I'm always sad, using sad quotes, sad writing. I thought about it too, it's not something I'm doing purposely but the sad feelings makes my fingertips active, and make me write more. It's just something that I feel I must say. I feel free, I finally took a step forward, even though I can fall down any time. Sometimes when I lay in the darkness, I swirl around in my own world, in a world where I am happy. At times I feel happy, and then I break down again. I really didn't used to be like this, but mean people brought me down. I realized I shouldn't waste my time thinking about people who is not willing to spend a sec on me. Instead be there for the ones who love me. I still freeze when I think of how people can be so mean towards each other and to an extend - that they don't even care about the person they once cared for. I believe, when you got something nice in your hand that you care about, you would never want to lose it, unless you don't know its value. It's breaking me in 1000 pieces. I had a precious scarf. I used to sleep, having that soft scarf caress my cheeks. It was so precious, a precious gift from a special person. But after knowing that it lost it value I threw it up in my shelf in my garage. It's there somewhere, in the dirt and cold. Sometimes I feel like grabbing it and have it by my side always, but every now and then I just feel like stepping on it. Just like how it lost its colour, and how it stepped on me, and scratched my skin and let all my tears flow out. O dear scarf... don't come to me again, because I'd love to have u beside me, but you lost your value.

Yours.
P

Evil storm

Lost

This picture is taken in my hometown. It at this huge forest which is only 10 mins walk from our house, and you have walk up dem hills to get to the top of the forest where you can have this special view over the town and harbour!! I love this place. I mostly go there in the summer time to relax.

Fun :-)

These clips were taking in july I think, when our lil neighbour kid visited us. Excuse our loosu jokes hahahahaha n my sister's singing :P HAHAA... I was jus viewing them, and thought I should insert them here :-)

Painting Emotions 2

Meeting myself - part 1

I tried walking fast. But my legs could not keep up with my flickering mind. I almost tripled over a stone. The mud tried to pull me down, deep down to a world of cold energy. I tried to pull my feet up and prayed that all the good spirits would uplift my soul. Even though my body was fully glued to this damn earth, my thoughts needed to be free. I moved towards the pavement. I have been very fidgety lately, my mind needed rest.

I had left my room around 5ish because I could not handle the silence any longer. I thought laying down in my soft bed would help my mind ease, but I was only sagging deeper and deeper into chaotic thoughts and flashbacks that I did not want to replay in my head. I got off the bed immediately, and threw everything around. I do not know what happened to me. Perhaps it was stress? Perhaps sad feelings digging deep into my vains? While thinking of what I had done earlier today I saw a flashlight from the distance. I stood still. What was it? Few seconds later I realized it was just a car. I only went out today because the noise can bring back harmony in my mind, to bring back the silence that I needed so badly. I had to find out what he had given me the day he left me. All these days I did not realize what had been nagging me.

I met him a couple of years ago. He always hung around with his friends, and whenever I passed him he would be ignoring me. I did not really take that into account. Few years later, when I was doing my regular warm up in the morning, I saw him running. He ran the same path as me. His movements were amazing, fast yet harmonic. His face would tell how hard he worked to get in to shape, and those deep-set eyes sent warm greetings to my dark brown eyes. My eyes wanted to watch but my mind took over and forced me to look down. I was shy. I would see him once in a blue moon, but once I my eyes were hooked on him; they would clash with my shyness. Everyone say they do not care about looks when it comes to choosing a partner. I believe it is a fair lie, in the end you get attracted to what your eyes like. Deep down I knew looks was not enough.

Although I wanted to be in his strong muscular arms I knew it would not happen. A guy like him would never talk to me. I noticed all the other girls who were out running. Beautifully shaped, they knew how to catch attention.

That morning I moved slowly, with my arms hanging down. I did not look strong at all. Thoughts wandered back and forth and I ended up sitting on a bench, watching over this beautiful lake. While watching the beautiful swans I wanted to swim along with these beautiful birds. I felt like the ugly duckling, perhaps I was just in the wrong place. I always go to this lake when I want to relax, and especially during Fall, this lake would so stunningly beautiful. There would not be so many people in that area, and I would lay down and crunch the leafs. I knew I was alone in this world, and I would enjoy the beauty of the nature all alone. I knew how to appreciate things especially after having learnt my lessons.

The past relationships were not something I’d yell hurray about. None of them were serious, and I ended up moving on as easy as it could be. I always thought that something was wrong with me but in reality I just met the wrong people. If you had a childhood like me, having everything in your life, lovely parents and sweet siblings and you have been raised in a little town for years you may think everyone must come from the very same world and that they know how to treat their next. You’d only be thinking of everything that you have been taught during your whole life about giving value to each and everyone and treat them nicely. I walked further along the peer to get a closer look at the swans.

A lady once told me that I should go there by evening time, and look deep down in to the water to catch a glimpse of my future husband. I tried looking deep into the water; I could not see anything but dirt and mud. I put my hand down and touch the water lightly to create tiny waves. I noticed something blue, I looked further and further down, and someone put their hand on my shoulder and a voice said ‘ careful ‘ u may slip’ and I turn around immediately, shocked, and almost tripping down. I noticed some gym shoes, and outfit, and my eyes wandered further up and to my great surprise IT WAS HIM…

Ah goodmorning

Hi Again…

I normally do not wake up really early. I am so not an A –person. Time is almost 4:58 am, and I woke up 4:17 am, and now I can’t close my eyes and sleep. Last week I had to work with my mom for a week and I woke up 4:20 am every morning, so it is funny that I wake up this early on a sunday morning. I remember once when I went to uni, and I would set my alarm to 6:45 am and I would wake up exactly 2 mins before my alarm would ring which is kind of weird haha. If I have something important the following day, I swear I won’t be able to sleep the whole night. I am so used to being up late, especially during those days when I had to write semester projects. I kind of miss those days now. I’m not doing anything but worrying about my future these days. I have planned what I would like to study, and when everything should start, but I am strongly worrying about other stuff as in marriage. O yeah, bet on it…the proposals already started coming and it scares the sh out of me. I know my parents won’t find me a lame person but still it is scary because we are talking about MY future…arhhhhh :-O And I trust no one, so I’d rather just put my own life in my own hands, and live my life, taking care of myself. Who cares about having a partner anyway lol. I know I’m being selfish, everyone would be telling me how I would be hurting my rents if I don’t do things their way. Geeesh, I really don’t want to go through all this. When you are young you wish to pursue your dream career, and settle down. But now that I have reached this level, I don’t want to settle down. I’m not ready for all this. When do you know when you are ready? I’m only 23! Some of my friends are already engaged or married and some even have babies now. It is a huge responsibility and I really want to be ready for everything. I used to rush in to things, just really go with the flow without even thinking about which consequences I would get. After learning from my past mistakes, I am very careful choosing the people I want to talk to. I had a dream about marrying and live a joyful life, but can you believe it… The person you do everything for just betrays you and steps on you? Even though everything is done, the person still keeps playing games and in the end sink to a level that the person calls you bad names. I really don’t understand how anyone can be like that. Man is cruel. I want to forgive that person because I don’t want to have any enemies in life, even though that person stepped on me I still remember the good times and if anything should ever happen to that person I’d be angry on myself for being cruel like that person. I want to end things in a good way, but I guess that person never realized how soft I am, and how everything kills me each day. That person is the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, and the first person I think of in the morning, and if that person should ever read this, I don’t want to forgive you, my mind has, but my heart haven’t cus it will never heal again. You came after me yourself and broke my dreams, and went away taking my happiness with you. No one deserves something like this.

Anyway I’m going to stop before tsunami comes outta my eyes.

My Day

Ellooow bloggie!!
Happy Diwali first of all to all my sweet visitors!
I haven’t done anything special today. I visited a friend whom I haven’t seen for a very long time. We used to hang out a lot back in the days. We had some really funny days – wish I could replay time just to hear those funny jokes again. We met in a really weird way. It is fun to think about it now. I was a type who used to be very quiet, but everyone liked me in class. When we were in grade 5, my friend started in our class. You guys know how mean kids can be. Anyway no one liked her, and all my friends told me that she is weird and that I should not go near her. I just listened to my friends, but I never made fun of her or talked behind her back, because I was not like that. We went on a little field trip and she talked a lot with the girl I mostly spend my time with. The following day I was sick so I did not go to school, and everyone were like asking her what she had done to me since I did not go to school. Lol, it is kind of funny though. She just called me and told me that everyone had questioned her. After this little incident I realized what a nice girl she is and ever since we became best friends. We did fun stuff together, but not hurting in anyway… We just cracked so many jokes and we could laugh for hours about nothing. After grade 9 she moved to another city, and I was going to attend a high school. And we had to separate. I did not see her for years nor did I hear from her. Four years later when I started at Aalborg Uni, I met her again. She lived in the same city and only 10 mins away from my apartment HAHA funny to think how destiny let us meet again. Ever since I been hanging out with her, and now that I moved back home I don’t see her much. It’s back to phone calls and MSN convos. Anyway – I went to her place, driving for an hour or so. Uffh…I normally hate driving but I loved it today. While driving I saw the sunset , the sea, while Billie Jean was on the radio. I just sang along, and without even knowing it, I was there. Her dad took us to another big city and we went shopping. I totally love MAC. And you cannot buy MAC everywhere. I normally buy it when I go to London, in the duty free department at the airports. Cheaper and a good way to kill the waiting time. Oh well I always need more time. I can stand in a make-up store and look at anything. I went on this long trip and only bought a mascara ( lash injection). I wanted the lip injection as well since it has some nice colours, but my lips are already huge, and I’d look so funny with swollen lips haha. Since it is Saturday today, the shops were closing early and we did not have time to stay there for long at each store. I used to be quick when I want something, I can just spot the nice dresses, and I’ll be grabbing them. Now-a-days I think twice, and I need to take a third look at something before I buy it. But if I just buy it without thinking much about it I won’t regret once I’m home. Just like today I looked at some really long boots, they looked so nice, but I didn’t like the material. I was scared that I may ruin them when walking in dirt, so I ended up not buying them. Now I’m home wishing I had bought them. When you are in such rush you won’t be able to think clearly – ohh well for me it’s not haha. I totally needed to get out. I’ve been diving in my cosy room for too long, and not wanting to get out of the little shell as I have been down. I know it is diwali and I should come out and be happy and spread my joy. Usually I am a very happy person, and what makes me smile is when my dearest friends tell me that I make them happy. Even though I am not happy I want to make the ones around me happy. Once I start laughing, it is hard to stop me!! HAHA…and some of dem friends tell me that I laugh like the laughing babies on youtube!! HAHA… ( If you search on ‘ top 3 laughing babies’) on youtube..you’ll find the video. I don’t know why but it is such a habit of mine to fall back while laughing hard, and I don’t make a sound when doing it hahahaa… yeah I know I’m a weird creature!

I just got back, and now I just ate briyaani. I’m gonna take rest right now, I was up all night, because I could not sleep!

Have a nice evening :-)

:...1st deadly sin...:

Envy

I want it but I know I can't have it
If I have it, i'll keep it for myself
Don't ever try to play a game with me
You can't challenge me
My level is so much more
With my poisonous green colour
i'll capture your weakness, and make it
eat you from the inside till your head
wants to explode, but I won't. I want what you have
My second eye is watching, my ivy leafs can kill

Just take one step further... leave everything behind, and give me what I want

True words

Yethanai koodi kanneer mann mithu vizhruthirukkum

athanai kanda pinum pommi ingu poo pookum

irutinilay nee nadakayillai un nizrallum unnai vittu villagividum..

nee mattum thaan intha ullagathilay unakku thunnai yendru villaingividum


unnakkum illai inthu yennakkum illai paadaiththaavaanai ingu yedduthu kollvan..

nallavar yaar ada kettavar yaar kadaisiyiL avanay mudivu seyivaan.. !!


Sometimes when I feel down, I feel like listening to this song...it makes me realize that I should be happy, and if I have to cry, I just cry... in the end, it is for the better...where one door closes, another opens. I'm ready for more oppertunities, and live my life to the very end. I hate life sometimes, but once u get hold on the positive thoughts, those negative thoughts will go away, and this special song makes me love everything...Closing my eyes...letting go of all sad feelings helps... and the fresh wind will bring me to a world of happiness...yet the scars will always be there.

beautifully broken

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day


You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one ....

Fever

Laying in the darkness I looked up, trying to locate my thoughts. I couldn't place them anywhere. The darkness surrounded me, blending my thoughts into it I felt a warmth. Something that I have never felt before. A feeling which took over me. I couldn't figure out what it was. I felt a whole new me, who was a stranger to my own feelings. My cheeks blushed, and for hours I layed in my princess bed with my eyes wide open. This warmth made my legs feel like gel, I wasn't sure if I would be able to stand on my legs again. The ever cold room suddenly felt warm. I think lightening must have strucked me...leaving me so sore, without letting me heal. Here I am... hoping I will feel the same warmth again, I want to fly again...and try to get those positive thoughts back. Whatever happened yesterday made my heart smile after a long time. Just too sweet to be true. Hey you. come back!

Touching song

Simply beautiful!!

HappineSs

Eppo nee remix

A fantastic remix... LOVE IT...!!

That's what I am made off

Darkness lead me in to a world of dispair,
ripping off every positive thought,
making me sit naked,
only with cold thoughts and cursed wishes
Tried to look down, seeing I wasn't like everyone thought...

I am not losing me, I am not losing my mind
I am me, I have always been me
The goodness from my heart
made pretty flowers grow on me

I won't fall... I will forever spread the sweetness

Varuvaaya?

•:♥:• Mugam partu pesum unnai, mudhal kaadhal sindhum kannai..anaikamal poaveno aaruyire?

From the bottom of my heart

*Vizhiodu nane...uravaahinene...Muthal parvai maravene kanne...unaale naan kandene...uyiraale naan anaithaane*

With Love In Your Heart

::............If you begin the day with love in your heart, peace in your nerves, and
truth in your mind, you not only benefit by their presence but also bring
them to others, to your family and friends, and to all those whose destiny
draws across your path that day..........::

Thank you...

My hands felt slippery... i slightly let the ball roll over. It hit my book, and rolled right back to me. I've been trying to throw my heart away, since I got hurt too many times. It broke many times, but since I had a needle I tried stitching it back. It kind of helped for a while, until the owner tried stealing it back from me. Well not really the owner... perhaps I may have given it away once, but I got it back fully broken...then the owner has no right to take it back? The stitches opened, and my heart popped out again in pieces. Looking out of the window I feel the cold breeze, pulling me towards my warm sheet. I tried to warm myself, but my mind froze. Just out of nowhere tears fell on the palm of my hand. I tried grabbing every tear. I couldn't control them... I thought the stitchings would help my heart heal...but cruel words flowed out of the owner's mouth... leading me to a feeling of loneliness. I felt like nothing. Excuse my sensitivity. Closing my eyes, I suddenly felt I had something in my hand...it was the ball. It got well polished, as my tears had painted my sorrow on the ball, leaving my heart fully again. I think it's safe now... but who will help me ease my mind?

I love you heart... i love you you you only :-(

i'll be there

I know I'm different
I'm not like the ones you are used to
Dear, if you close your eyes, you will realize
that we are quite alike. Perhaps I'm not beautiful, perhaps I may look scary

but I have a heart. A kiss for you, I hope you feel my warmth, my love for you...
Even though the others can't see what you posses... I just simply want to tell you that you are my very own pretty princess.
Smile again...

Raining hearts

Glowing hearts
Beautiful night
Slightly bruised
Beautifully broken...standing watching
your eyes in my eyes. I don't want other hearts :-(

time is moving fast

To follow the beautiful path of life I wanted to bring another soul with me... lightly i grabbed your hands, you followed me...telling me that this was what you wanted too... to spend every second with me and share our dreams together... Only now i'm stranded somewhere, slowly getting lost in the dark...because the colourful leaves won't embrace me for long...praying.

Sunny side

Wow... This music is sooo relaxing... it's just what you need to put your stress and sadness away ...for just a little while...just close your eyes and relax....


After listening to this... i guess everything will be okay...just okay

True Love

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seeks its own way, is not provoked, does not take into account a suffered wrong, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails! - 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Killing me softly

I absolutely love this song...Wonderful voice!! I used to listen a lot to this song...damn its good!!

Oru Pommayin Thedal

A beautiful poem written by my friend... I thought I'd share...

I don't mind to hyponotize you hahaa..

I woke up all of a sudden...
wow.. I had a bad dream. It's so long since I had nightmares, I had just reached the top, and all of a sudden, a single thing just pushed me all the way down. I had promised myself that I wouldn't do this again. I shouldn't open my precious heart to hear those words once more. The lies and the deceiving have teared me up...it's so silent...my silent tears fall on the ground so gently on the first gift you ever gave me. All the bad words gave your symbolic gift no meaning................................................................


Still makes me sick....ewww!

Add a caption

Running through the cold stones won't make me cold, running after the dove makes me happy...with my one and only balloon i feel secure when wandering through my thoughts. The pursuit of life.....

Running through the cold stones won't make me cold,
running after the dove makes me happy...with my one and only balloon i feel secure when wandering through my thoughts. The pursuit of life.....

I didn't realize what a beautiful song...mundinam parthene is...wow... it's soo sweet that I had to put it on my blog! Enjoyy ;-)

...If you should be interested

I used MAC artifact on my eyes...
Rimmel vintage rose stick
And Coastal Scents rouge palette!

Vennila Meham

Dear moon...

I've been waiting eagerly to see you

I hope you will shine upon my dreams

I'd bend for you

Take me away to a peaceful world

I cannot handle the darkness...

You're a song
Written by the hands of god
Don't get me wrong cause
This might sound to you a bit odd
But you own the place
Where all my thoughts go hiding
And right under your clothes
Is where I find them

Underneath your clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey

Because of you
I forgot the smart ways to lie
Because of you
I'm running out of reasons to cry
When the friends are gone
When the party's over
We will still belong to each other




shakira: underneath your clothes

...

mayil iRagae mayil iRagae varudugiRaai mella

The same circle

Some things in life just makes me so happy, been running in the very same circle for a long time, and finally i've been able to reach out of the circle to feel life again. I am hugging life, happy that the sun is shining on me. I have so many dreams in me, I want to realize them...they will be realized very soon...but I learnt that being impatient will lead me no where. Steps have to be taken one at the time. A change is gonna come very soon. I've been down, I almost felt the bottom, but somehow I got up again. As I close my life, I feel it running through my veins, trying to push itself outwards. My skin gets warmer, as the joy reaches my heart, and makes my face smile. It feels nice to finally be alive again...

...anbe nee yengi irukkiraai vazhithaal anbe nee angi irukiraaai, uyire nee yennna seikiraai uyirin ulle vanthu selkiraai...

Thoughts...

Moving up

The touch of fresh air leading me towards something unattainable,
yet pulling my thoughts against my skin,
the soft feather, caressing my face, blends its beauty
into a world full of sadness...

Eternal love

இப்படியே இப்படியே இருந்து விடக் கூடாத ...என் கண்ணில் உன் இமைகள் பொருந்திவிடக் கூடாத ?

beautiful moment

I am in love with this picture...so beautiful

The bright sea

Swimming in the thoughts of you

embracing me with the smell of water

lifting my soul up

captivating my aura...

in to what I thought was true

but it was just another idyllic illusion

In your light

Just a single ray to make my day

Dreaming away

Daydreaming again... with dem teacher glasses on. I'm just preparing for my India trip haha

Caught in two cultures

I'd like to start with pointing out that these are thoughts I have had about the Tamil culture for a long time. I have always wanted to write these thougths at Tamil forums, but as I don't want to be stigmatized as something which I am not, I have chosen to share these thoughts in my blog. Hoping that some of you out there will be discuss with me if you disagree with me.

A bright summer night I walked down the beach. The sweet air caressed my face while the sand was roughly creating small paths for my feet to follow. I was the only one walking towards the cold water. I didn't know I was walking that fast, my thoughts were somewhere else. Time flies fast, parents getting older, siblings getting older. Those lil sisters who once were smaller than me has grown so much. This was the moment I thought to myself that elder people talk about how they want to return to their old days when they were younger. Easier for them to remember the good old days, but along with being young one has a lot of responsibilities.

Being a young South Asian woman living in Denmark I cannot live after both Tamil principles and Danish principles. I have to drag the best values from each culture to commit myself to the contemporary lifestyle in Europe. Perhaps this is not liked by the majority of people from my culture, but I have reached an age where I know what I want to do. Back in the days I was told to be a real Tamil girl, and I had my restrictions aswell, but time is changing and I have seen the change in my parents for instance. I have my freedom, because I have gained a trust in them, and they know that I won't abuse my freedom.

But back to the question about how a real Tamil girl be. There are no written rules about how a Tamil girl should be in the Western world, I think that makes it hard for many Tamils to understand why some 'modern' Tamil girls go clubbing or dress like Europeans. It all depends on which roof you grew up under. I love our Tamil culture, we stick together no matter what, we have good family relations, and we are always so welcoming, we can easily assimilate in other countries, but along with these good elements there are some bad things as well.

We are good at looking at other people's mistakes and as meaningful story I had read in Latin. It was about how people were good at carrying other people's problems in th front, and our own on our backs ( so they can be hidden). So when some traditional families carry other people's problems in the front, they are making some young Tamils' lives very hard.

For instance, if a family sees a young Tamil girl walking around with a guy from another culture, or even stands with one of their own, they have a tendency to go home and discuss what they have seen, and tell everyone else about it. Seen from the elder's generation it is wrong to do that, but they have to understand that we are not living in a Tamil village, because it is normal to talk with someone from the other gender here. Since there are Tamil elders who do this, the targeted 'modern' girls have to live in constant fear, that they won't be seen with guys. This nervousity kind of slow down their developement in society, and live a normal life.

This is sad, that these have to hide from our people. Living a double life in Europe. Hopefully this can be changed soon time. We should be strong Asian women who knows how to keep our traditions yet be modern.

A special message

The saying on the wall piece at my window is a piece I got as a gift from my friend. I really don't like to receive gifts, especially things I can use for my every day, I'd rather have something which I can remember the moment on. I love cards, I have a whole collection of them. It's nice to take them out of the box once in a while just to remember the good moments with people I don't talk with anymore, but have their memories written down.
This special wall piece says:

" Because I live, ye shall live also"

It's so beautiful, and I thought I'd share with you. These days I have been busy with writing projects as I am nearing my final month. In June I'll have a BA in English and Media. Right after that i'll be working, as I want to go to India and do charity for work. Even though I'm Sri Lankan Tamil, and I moved here when I were few months I have no idea of how it is like in Asia. I haven't been back since. Since it's chaotic in Sri Lanka at the moment, i'll be going to Tamil Nadu instead. I hope to gain experience, and a trip like this may increase more knowledge about South Asian Culture which I would like to do a master degree in. Anyhow, during my long stay in India I hope to collect special pieces like these, especially handmade craft is exciting to have a collection of. I'm also interested in having small statues of the Hindu gods. Since I grew up here in Denmark I haven't had the oppertunity to really practice 'my religion'. I'm not much of a believer, but I am very fascinated about Hinduism, and which impact the religion has on Sri Lankan Tamils but also Tamil Nadu. Especially how Hinduism reflect on the Indian cinema. I'll be updating my blog and write more about my thoughts about young South Asians.

Painting Emotions

Chilling with Bob Marley

At Madame Tussaude in London

I was in London earlier this year, and I have a whole collection of pictures from the museum. But I'd like to share this crazy picture with you hahaa... yeah I know I'm 23 years old and very childish :-) hahaa